The Three Trolls and the Goat Gruff
a FatFurs FairyTale told by M.H. Reese © ConnerCoon
(Gruff is © His Player)
Thank You for the Inspiration, Gruff!
Once upon a time...
(Don't all stories start off wit' that? Heh. Sorry. Keep goin'. I'm list'nin'.)
Once upon a time, there was a green and peaceful kingdom, threatened by trolls. Now, trolls had always been a threat to the kingdom, but rumor had spread that the foul creatures had finally gathered mighty warriors to lay seige to the land and overtake the kingdom. Fortunately, there was only one way to travel out of the dark forests of the troll lands, and that was the large wooden bridge that spanned a deep chasm, home to a mighty river...
The king had only one option, one hopeful chance of stopping the evil of the troll warriors... And that hope lay in his finest warrior, a large billy goat by the name of Gruff. This warrior was unequaled not only in combat but appetite as well, and wielded both axe and fork with unparalleled skill, his strength and belly both quite formidible.
(Boy, this guy sure sounds familiar. Wonder where you thought 'im up, huh? Heh.)
And so the goat Gruff stood guard at the bridge out of the troll lands, waiting for the warriors of chaos and slaughter to emerge from the dark forest... Days passed slowly, but there was no sign of them...
(Bet they were all afraid. Troll's're wimps, y'know.)
But just when Gruff was about to give up his post, there was a terrible crashing and cracking noise from within the forest, as if something very large were headed towards the bridge...! Gruff growled, mighty axe at the ready. The noise grew louder and louder...! And a small green troll, only half Gruff's height, emerged from the forest, wielding an equally small axe. Raising the axe high, the troll squeaked in his equally small voice, "Behold, kingdom of peace and harmony! I am the first of three mighty warriors from the dark woods and the troll lands beyond! Run and hide, for I bring only -DOOM!-"
(Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me. If that's the best these troll guys're gonna do, this ain't gonna be much of a story...)
Gruff just snickered at the pint-sized troll. "Doom? A bitty thang like you?"
The small troll frowned, screwing his small ugly features into a snarl! "Foolish goat! With my mighty axe I will slice you in two, and feast upon your flesh!" And with that, he swung the small axe, making a surprisingly loud *swoop!* as it sliced through the air in front of Gruff! But Gruff didn't even bother to parry the blow -- he just stepped back, and then brought his own axe down and CLONKED the little troll right on top of the head with the flat of the axe head. The troll blinked, eyes rolling and spinning as he staggered about. "Argh! Beaten by a mere goat! Be warned, foolish Gruff! For I am but the smallest of the three warriors to come to this land, and my brother coming after me is much larger, with an axe twice the size of mine!" And then the little troll feel over, either dead or unconscious. Trolls are so exceedingly ugly it's often hard to tell which.
But what was Gruff to now do with the little fellow? He couldn't be left alone, for fear that he might wake up and attempt to wreak havoc again, and there was always the option of tossing him over the bridge into the river below, but then again... All Gruff had to sustain himself with over the past few days were mere
rations. Now, rumor had it that trolls, while exceedingly ugly, were also exceedingly tasty...
(Alright! Now we get t'the good parts!)
Gruff hummed, and looked around. He reckoned there was only one way out of this... Stripping the troll of his armor, which he kicked down to the river below, he licked his lips. "A goat's gotta eat..." He took a small lick of the potbelly the lean troll sported, to see if it was as tasty as folks said. And indeed it was! The goat could not tell what the flavor was, but it made his mouth salivate for more.
And so Gruff, after taking a deep whiff of the troll's delicious odor, wrapped his lips about the troll's small feet. The trollish flavor filled his mouth, making him only crave more, and so he began to swallow the troll, little by little, first the feet, then the legs, then opening wide to wrap his lips over the potbelly, then the shoulders, and then the head. Finally, in one big swallow, the little troll slid down Gruff's throat and into his stomach, which bulged and groaned with his meal. The goat moaned happily, patting his heavy belly. And thus, the kingdom was spared for one more day... When Gruff awoke the next morning, he found that much of his trollish meal had digested into soft fat, as was the nature of trolls. This made the billy goat seem that much bigger, if not a little more well-fed and fierce! Gruff grinned at his gut and growled. "You an' me are gonna save this kingdom, ol' chum!"
But just then, there was more crashing and cracking from the dark wood, even louder than the day before! This time, a rather chubby troll the same
height as Gruff emerged from the forest swinging an axe -twice- as big as the troll's before him! raising the axe high, he growled, "Behold, kingdom of peace and harmony! I am the second of three mighty warriors from the dark woods and the troll lands beyond! Run and hide, for I bring only -DOOM!-"
(A bigger troll? I like where this's goin'!)
But Gruff simply leaned on his axe and grinned. "Sorry, mac. Th' DOOM delivery came yesterday. We had t'send it on back."
The second troll frowned, screwing his larger, even uglier features into a snarl! "Foolish goat! My axe has twice as many blades, and is twice as big as my younger brother's! With it I will slice you in two, and feast upon your flesh!" And with that, he swung the double-bladed axe at Gruff with a mighty *swoosh!*. Gruff took the time to parry the blow with his own axe this time, then ducked under and RAMMED the troll in his big fat gut! The second troll blinked, doubling over and groaning as he staggered about. "Umph! Beaten by a mere goat! Be warned, foolish Gruff! For I am but the second of the three warriors to come to this land, and my brother coming after me is much larger, and his axes are twice as big as mine!" After his familiar tirade, he fell over, either dead or unconscious. Again, it was difficult to tell.
But what to do with the fellow? Again, he couldn't be left lying about in case he might wake up and attempt to wreak havoc again, but yet he smelled much too tasty to just throw over the bridge and into the river below...
(So, lemme guess what he does, huh? Heh heh...)
Gruff looked the big troll over. "This ain't a-gonna be easy -- but there ain't much else t'do..." The goat licked his lips. This troll weighed at least as much as he did, maybe more. Eating him might make his belly bust wide open, but... Once again, after stripping the fat troll of its armor and tossing it into the river, Gruff sniffed and tasted the unconscious troll. What a surprise! Why, this troll was twice as tasty as its younger brother, and the goat's stomach growled hungrily for more, despite it's meal of yesterday... And so Gruff began at the feet once again, savoring the delicious troll flavor before swallowing the troll little by little, first the feet, then the legs, then having to open his mouth even wider than the first time to wrap his lips over the big fat belly, then the shoulders, and then the head. And again, in one big final swallow, the second troll slid down Gruff's throat and into his stomach, which bulged and groaned so much, the mighty goat warrior was forced to sit down, the enourmous belly resting between his splayed legs! Gruff moaned, rubbing his huge gut. "We didn't bust, ol' buddy. But it was a close thing!" He looked down at the great big wooly ball resting between his legs, pushing way past his knees, and grinned. "I could git used t'this!"
(So could I!)
And thus, the kingdom was spared for yet another day... But when Gruff woke up the next morning , he found that his even bigger trollish meal
had digested, as was the nature of trolls, and made him quite fat indeed! It was all the warrior could do to stand up on his hooves, body thick and round with fat, his belly bulging and hanging low to the ground! Gruff gave his gargantuan gut a squeeze. "Uh-oh. Maybe I shoulda thought about this aforehand." He grinned. "Feels purty good, though..."
But just then, there was even more crashing and cracking from the dark wood, much -much- louder than the day before! This time, an enormously fat
yet muscular troll twice as high as Gruff emerged from the forest, swinging -two- double-bladed axes at once! "Behold, kingdom of peace and harmony! I am the last of three mighty warriors from the dark woods and the troll lands beyond! Run and hide, for I bring only -DOOM!-" His voice boomed like thunder, shaking the leaves from the trees, bugs from the rocks, and the very planks of the bridge itself!
(What? -Twice- as big? You mean as in two? You gotta be kiddin' me! Well...)
Gruff simply leaned on his axe, as unimpressed with the speech now as he had been the first two times. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doom, doom, doom. Any more
o' you guys, an' I'll be facin' doom from a heart attack." The billy goat grinned nastily. There was a reason they draw pentacles around goat heads, and that grin was it.
The third troll frowned! There was a reason trolls were never bothered by leering goats, and that grimace was it! "Foolish goat! My axes are twice as big as my younger brother's! With them I will slice you in two, and feast upon your flesh!" With a mighty, awful roar, the huge troll swung the axes down at Gruff! *SWOOOSH!!* Gruff managed to parry again, holding his axe over his head with both hands and catching the haft of the first, then jerking it over to clang against
the second. He panted, then CHARGED, moving his obese mass as fast as his legs could pump, slamming his gut into the big troll's kneecaps like a sumo wrestler
playing rugby. The troll stumbled back, crashing against the trees he had just emerged from! Growling, he hefted both axes, swinging both wildly as he stormed forward! Gruff had a fight on his hands this time -- and he wasn't his usual graceful warrior self at the moment, either! He tossed his axe aside -- it was just going to get in the way -- and charged again, his half-ton bulk slamming into the giant troll's knees once more -- and his hard, horned head slammed right into the big troll's family jewels. The troll grunted, dropping both axes in surprise. The axes landed blade first into the bridge, hacking large hunks out of it. The troll groaned
and held his gems, slowly sinking to his knees, then teetering forward, his great shadow looming over Gruff! But the goat stepped back and swung a haymaker that met the troll's jaw at just the right spot, and sent the ugly beast reeling onto his back, quite dazed. "Urgh! Beaten by a mere goat! You are indeed a strong warrior, for having defeated the eldest of the three warriors to come to this land..." And with that, the troll fell, either dead or unconscious.
But what to do? The troll could not be left alone, for fear he might wake up and wreak havoc once again, and it -would- be such a waste to throw all that delicious troll meat into the river...
(I think I'm seein' a pattern here...)
Gruff looked over what had to be a couple tons of troll, but shrugged, grunted, and dragged the fallen warrior across the bridge, away from the troll kingdom's side, and sat down to have the biggest meal of his life. And so, for the third time in three days, Gruff stripped the troll of his armor and dumped it into the river. Taking an experimental lick of the mighty troll revealed that he was four times and delicious as the second! Despite the troll's enourmous size, Gruff -had- to eat him all! And so Gruff wrapped his lips around the troll's toes, savoring the delicious flavor before swallowing him down, bit by bit, little by little, first the big feet, then the even bigger legs, then having to open his mouth very -very- wide to wrap his lips over an even -bigger- belly, then the shoulders, and then the head. And -again-, in one -huge- swallow, the last troll slid down Gruff's throat and into his stomach, which bulged and groaned so much, one would have thought the goat had swallowed an entire boulder! Gruff groaned, pinned under his titanic tummy. He looked up at the huge, round hill of his stomach and moaned, "I reckon I jus' put new meanin' t'th' phrase 'mountain goat'."
And thus, the green and peacful kingdom was saved by the courageous (and voracious!) billy goat Gruff. And in the morning when Gruff woke up, he was so enormously fat that he could not even move, and the grateful people of the kingdom had to wheel him by cart to a festival held in his name, where there was much laughter, joy, and -food!- Gruff only wished that they had served troll meat, for he had become quite fond of it...
(Heh. Not bad, not bad 't'all. Had t'love th' hero. *urrrrp* Guy after my own belly. Hey, what kinda meat is this anyway? Tastes awful good...)